Profound Disappointment in Microbrew

Stupid Cans

Stupid Cans

The beer I’m drinking right now is black. It’s so dark it’s fucking beautiful. It looks like a painting. I poured it in a mug, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see it because it comes in a can. It’s from some brewery in upstate New York called Butternuts. The black beer is called “Moo Thunder” and has a picture of a cartoon cow on it. I hate this. The name and the picture make me want to hate this beer.

Moo Thunder is good. It tastes like Guiness. It comes in a 12 pack with 4 other types of beer from the same brewery. Three beers of each style. All of them come in cans with either weird bright colors, goofy names, and/or stupid pictures on them. There is Moo Thunder, Porkslap Pale Ale (orange can with a picture of two cartoon pigs jumping and high-fiving eith other), Snapperhead IPA (yellow can with picture of a green fish wearing a Walkman listening to music), and Heinnieweisse Weissbeir (bright green can).

Microbrews taste weird coming out of a can.

However, you must know that there’s no actual differnce between canned beers and  bottled beers.

There is no difference.

Do a blind taste test and you will find no difference. Do it. Or trust me.

However, if you are not blind, you will always know that your beer came out of a can even if you pour it in a mug. And even through you know that there is no differnce between canned and bottled beer in terms of taste, you trick yourself mentally into believing that the bottled beer tastes better. Although, this is not always the case; as it wouldn’t feel right, to me at least,  drinking PBR out of a bottle and Bud always tastes better to me in a can.

Cans and bottles both have their pros and cons and both can be smashed in different and satisfying ways.

Whatever, I drank all of the beers and I would up getting sick. It’s not Butternuts’ fault that I got sick. I went out and got hammered on a plethora of differnt beers at different bars. Somewhere along the line I drank some bad tap beer and woke up the next morning wanting to die more than usual. My brain was on fire and my mouth felt like a dry toilet.

I started and ended the night drinking the Butternuts sampler, therefore this beer will always be associatied to me with one of the worst hangovers I have ever had. Keep that in mind when reading my review of these beers. And while I had sampled each of the beers a few days before, know that this review has been influenced by the fact that I got violently ill after drinking these beers, although I didn’t really like them that much at that time either. I will try not to let my hangover consciously affect my review.

1. Moo Thunder: The best beer of the lot. This one tastes like Guiness. There is not much of a differnce between the two. It tatsted fresh and I would recommend it for a larf as a Guiness alternative. As mentioned previously, it looks beautiful when you pour it into a mug. It’s totally black. I stared at it in the mug for a while. Nothing special.

2. Porkslap: This beer is terrible and was the worst one of the sampler. It doesn’t taste like a pale ale and can be equated to a Killians. It was gross and I hated it. It had this reddish orangey color and a pukey taste. I can tell what Butternuts was going for in this one and that kind of beer is hard to pull off. Beers like this are made to be sipped for their taste and not slammed for their alcohol. However, I didn’t want to sip this beer because it wasn’t good so I had to slam it to get my monies worth. Plus, I hate the stupid fucking picture of two pigs slapping hands on the can.

3. Snapperhead. I would say this beer was OK. It tasted like an IPA should. It had its own kind of unique taste to it, as many microbrews do, so at the moment I can’t think of anything to compare it to. I wasn’t bowed over by it but would drink it again if it came in its own pack and someone else bought it for me. I think the fact that it was lumped together with all these other beers did it a bit of an injustice.

4. Heinnieweisse: Stupid fucking name. I hate when people try to be cute. As far as Henneweisse’s go, this beer was OK. This was like a Paulaner but heavier. It wasn’t bad. It had that sort of fresh, microbrew taste. I didn’t love it, but I really didn’t like it either. It was a little too flavorful, which sounds like it should be a good thing but at times is not.

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2 responses to “Profound Disappointment in Microbrew

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