Who runs Van City?

The American West has been tamed, albeit quite easily too, and all on the back of that brown and bucking steed, the CB500T. Jefferson should have just waited 200 years and then given me a call instead of sending Lewis and Clark. I would have done the whole thing in 1/10 the time, but for top dollar man. Rumor even has it that Lewis’ first name was Meriwether. Cmon, man.

Well, regardless, we’ve made it baby and the continent has been straddled. At this very moment I sit penning this very journal entry from the Vancouver Public Library. Ah Vancouver, such a town! One gets the feeling, that the kind of vibe put forth by this city is the same kind of vibe that propelled New York to the top of the cultural food chain lo so many moons ago for all the world to see and to shudder. I’m a young duck and was never around for all that jazz back in the New York heyday; but I’m sure it must have a real time to be alive back then, to navigate the Big Apple badwaters with real zeal and zen. But look, if that’s the case and we’re talking Vancouver now, this might just be a great place to be alive if you want to be dead. Van city is alive with vermin of all sorts. Look, I don’t mean to be harsh, I’m just reporting the facts here as I see them, and maybe someday a born and bred Vancouverite will wax ecstatic on the virtues of their Pacific City some 20 years hence. We’ll see. $10 will buy you a bed for the night in the worst hostel in the world right on the edge of society. Take a walk down Hastings Street on Van city’s skid row. Breathe in the Funk. Junkies and Runaways litter the sidewalk. Step over and around and do not make eye contact. Eyes forward young Turk! Smoking crack and injecting your veins with heroin is bad for you and while you shouldn’t do it at any age, people the world over make mistakes and we can forgive them for the most part. But there’s just something off-putting about a man in his fifties dressed like a teenage runaway openly smoking crack in the street. Sir, should you even exist and should you have dreadlocks? Even when you’re balding at the temples? This is the end of the line man, a no-man’s land where no law applies. Winters suck in Vancouver and I wonder how many of these dregs freeze to death each year. Does anyone even care?

But hey, lets juxtapose this with the next block over. A quaint little steam clock, the first of its kind and a real delight, blows its melodious whistle signalling you’re arrival in Van city’s Gastown district. Million dollar steak dinners and artisanal wines are all yours to be had! Don your Ralph Lauren Versace Polo turtle neck and get ta steppin. You will blend right in, if you dare!

But you don’t. You’re a traveller baby. Best to pick up some day old dumplings at the Vietnamese supermarket for $1.50, devour them outside next to a garbage can like a hungry dog, and wipe your greasy hands on your filthy jeans. Maybe do a few pullups on some scaffolding while you’re at it because, to the untrained eye you’re just another filthy junky with hair akimbo, soiled clothes, and a sunburnt weathered and unshaven face.

Now go get drunk and wonder who the real animal is…




7 responses to “Who runs Van City?

  1. Is there at least a dirty mattress on the floor of the sex room? Something must redeem this damn city, I had such high expectations.

  2. Last I heard, my father was out in Vancouver sporting some dreads and skinny jeans. Wouldn’t that be a coincidence. Miss you, pop. [Why didn’t you come back after going out for ciggies.] But I digress. You are a true cowboy of americana and then some, pipe adams. If Vancouver was still a vacation destination after the stanley cup riots a few weeks ago [seemingly years ago to a wild cowboy], your analysis ought to correct the adventurous traveler. Trip sounds cool. Keep it up. Alaska awaits.

  3. lest we judge our selves young buck… Vancouver was one of the few cities, little lulu and myself had to camp right on the street. No one batted an eye at us. perfectly normal behavior. That, some say, was when our trip really began, for the Northern Territories await. People like Jared dismiss a swath of land that is in all actuality more than you have just traversed. He is obviously forgiven, for he knows not and is adorable to behold in person. However, all this that you are in tune to now shall be forgotten but a few moons from now. Make sure to visit Hope, it is the filming location of Rambo first blood and Jerry Seinfeld the video game. They really pride themselves on that. Check you on the astral plane/plain.

  4. DJ Jared just got owned. Btw, Mr. Adams, are those “beats-by-dre” ‘headies’

  5. All mine baby. I guess great minds think alike

  6. Sex rooms? Huh, very interesting. Do people just rent a room to have sex in? Is it more or less $$ than a reg room?
    I’m glad you were able to give a clearer look into the skid row of vancouver. when we were there we didn’t stay long and i was only able to see them from the xterra- came back with only a few extremely blurry photos. I remembered there were so many

    • it was just a filthy room with a leaky shower in it. nothing at all to give the impression of romance.you could sit on the edge of the tub and shoot heroin, which can be considered sexy in some circles.

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