Mysteries of the North

Greatest adventure to date. The North is calling.
Are you home?
Is anyone available to answer the phone?
Get ready for an awkward voice mail…
journal excerpt…
July 11th 2009
Yonkers NY to Gatineau QC
432 miles travelled
relatively uneventful. got fucking soaked and rode in the rain for an hour or so. New gear may or may not be waterproof. Adirondacks are amazingly picturesque, save for all the fucking retarded tourists. Ottawa is an beautiful city with expensive hotels. Gatineau is the hooligan version, nasty and filthy and across the river. Bike is running OK. Stalls out sometimes when idling. Front brake is useless in the rain. No oil loss.
P.S. The Bridge to Canada in Ogdenburg NY was terrifying. Who the fuck builds a bridge with an all steel road surface? A pretty long bridge at that.
Who the fuck indeed? Our boy adventurer was not to be stopped by such trifles or truffles. The wet slog through the great Adirondacks was rewarded with an evening spent in French Canada. Bienvenue Quebec!

July 12th
Gatineau QC
$58 for a small room with 3/4 length bed. French Canadian T.V. weird, also Europeanish in that tits are shown, as well as cocks, pussies.
French-Canadian camping gear —>hand-crank bidet, ultra light weight, made of rubidium.
Where is my coffee?
Can’t sleep very well at all!
Onward to James Bay!
(not James Bai ::giggle::)

Route 105: note to all adventure minded motorcycling souls, experience this route.
A word of advice: remember to stop in information boots. They are delineated in all French-Candiam towns with a blue sign bearing a question mark. They are staffed with attractive young French-Canadian strumpets whose eyes gaze wantonly at the lonesome traveling adventurer.
And a word of caution: The water in French Canada, if sipped, will give any traveler solid gas. Be careful friends, no one wants to shit their synthetic britches. Best to stick to purple drank.
117 through the Reserve Faunique La Verendrye. Be sure to top off your tank betwixt fuel stops, for gas stations are few and far.
French Canadian grocers yield interesting varieties of canned fish. Many can contain assorted bits such as carrots, beans, peas, etc. A delight to any canned fish aficionado. Afishionado.
Quarry outside Val D’Or.
Scale can be noted by presence of full size school bus, which appears as a yellow speck at the base of the quarry next to the white pipe.

The Quebecois apparently take their monoliths seriously. The Val D’Or super-obelisk is expected to be finished by the summer solstice of 2011 and is being completed using quartz-rich granite blocks from the pictured quarry. It is hoped that such will work to balance the earth’s energy field to avoid the projected “end of days” scenario in 2012.


Lac Paradis


Hotel Motel Bell
Reception Hotel-Motel Bell
Tel. : (819) 739-4347
Nutritious and delicious meal that would be the staple diet of our featured arctic oceaneer. Spam and oatmeal.

update: Made it to Matagami today. It is 9:15pm yet it feels much earlier as it is still light out. Decided to get a hotel room. Fuck you. It is cold, wet, and, despite being indoors I am being bit by mosquitoes. The room is vile yet befitting. It is indicative of the frontier outpost nature of this town. It is what $30 will get you in the Quebec north. I am further north than I have ever been…Rode through the Reserve Faunique La Verendrye. 150 miles between gas pumps and even more between things resembling towns. Amos, Matagami, Val D’Or these are all weird frontier towns. Senneterre, Belacourt no one you know has ever been there, and never will. The people up here are a different kind of dumb. Very similar to Costa Ricans (Ticos). Even the buildings are similar. I guess it’s all shit you can build in a hurry while the weather is not so bad. There’s a sink in my room but no bathroom…I won’t be the first.

Lots of things are similar to Costa Rica: the stupidity/inbred nature of the locals and their inability or lack of motivation to speak English, usage of the metric system, low speed limits, there being nothing at all between towns, weather extremes, unique landscapes, the fact that it’s been raining off and on non-stop, the similar designs of gas stations and banks, etc.
Except I got diarrhea here from drinking tap water. Fuck this. 9:45pm and still not dark.

Tomorrow morning:

1. Adjust Chain
2. Lube cables
3. Lube dick







4. check oil
5. check tire pressure
6. get mosquito coils/cigar
7. floss
why is lac paradis that color?
answer: due to the presence of copper in its bottom.


Cree musings
Best to be a Cree in the North than a gross Frenchman
indeed sir!
July 13th
Matagami QC
Presently taking a shit in one of the shared bathrooms. This is an abandoned hotel with electricity, water, and cable. Everything is broken with holes in it. Glad to be here. Looked out window at 3am to find it pouring, which is why I woke up. Not getting enough sleep: 4 hours last night. Have diarrhea again. But happy.
To James Bay in Gods hands!
The James Bay Road:







Rupert River
225 miles between gas pumps. The Relais Router @ km 381 is a forlorn outpost. They take French-Canadian nickels as well as credit. This being Quebec, cobalt nickels are not accepted.
Smoked-meat sandwich
Without Lead! Make sure to tip gas boy for karmic comeuppance!

No one dances better than these boyz! Tecktonik!


Boyz in the Taiga?

Success sir! For was there any doubt?
Our sources say that you can do the same, but be forewarned: There is a checkpoint on George’s Landing road and the local Cree wont let you access the beach unless you have a 35 year old motorcycle and a big dick.
July 14th
James Bay QC Canada part of the Arctic Ocean!

The shores of the James Bay! The beauty is ultimate and the feeling is mutual. Fuck yes, I am here! 1300 odd miles to reach this desolate spit of beach. I left Matagami yesterday @ 9am and blasted up James Bay Road. Immediately it was fucking cold. The sun popped out a couple times between the clouds but it was cloudy all fucking day. And windy. The road to the Rupert River and its obnoxiously powerful rapids is full of potholes and frost heaves. Be careful yo. You would do best to have a dialed-in suspension and heed caution when approaching supersonic speeds. I dream of a better bike. A modern day CB500T. Ninja 500? Fuck you Krang…
The road is real nice after that. Lots of long sweeping curves and straightaways w/ few bumps, holes, or heaves. Km381 gas station is a treat. Gas was only about 25 cents more expensive here that in Matagami, per liter. There was still a dolled up French Canadian slut slinging poutine behind the counter. I guess shes a whore?
For truckers?
She looked fucking horny.
I got coffee and a sandwich, and bug cream. Felt great all the way to the bay. Then it fucking rained. I prayed to God and St. Christopher to keep me dry to no avail. It rained on and off all the way here. Stopped and had some dinner (ramen noodles and tuna w/ beans and corn) and talked to some white guy w/ his Cree wife who were picking up trash on their own volition @ the rest area. I adjusted the chain and blasted to Chisasibi. Wet yet again. I made it @ about 9pm and set up camp. Stayed warm and dry and had the best night of sleep so far.
Fucked up.
time to go…

Click above for a wonderful panorama shot. But remember this: Nothing is real or even exists.
James Bay is part of the Arctic Ocean, fucker.
Cree language, inspired by alien hieroglyphs. We are all the sons of one God.
Thoughts on the Cree:


James Bay Road:

Route Transtaiga

The Trans-Taiga Road is the most desolate road in North America.

It is here that you are truly alone.

Food of the GODS. Recipe from Quetzalcoatl pre-ordained from the stars.
Fact: All abandoned quarries on the Trans-Taiga are haunted.
Wild flowerz for wildboyz yo!
Km 381 Relais Router truckstop POUTINE.
Special road treat for hooligans.

All good hooliganbots need to boot down and refresh their CPUs.
Their CPUs are neural net processors. Learning computers.

Moon Gateau! oh but only half? sorrrrrrrrrrrrry yo

Val D’Or: a bawdy gold mining town in northern Quebec where you can blow your fortune on dames and claims.

Boy on a Bike: The Chronicles of Ryder Strong

July 15th, 16th, and 14th
Today is the 16th.

Have not had the time to write the past couple of days.
Im in Val D’Or.
On Tuesday the 14th I left Chisasibi and James Bay, headed for the North Road and Chibougamau. Stopped in Radisson, a shitty little outpost of town on the fringe of nothingness. Got gas. Things are not that expensive here. People tend to blow shit out of proportion. Sure, if you want a shitty DVD player, yea it will be expensive. but groceries, not that bad. I like the French Canadians less and less and feel a true kinship with the Cree. They’re good people.
After leaving Radisson took JBR to the Trans Taiga. Did about 60 miles on the Trans Taiga had lunch, coffee. Pulling off the TT on the JBR I fucking got a flat tire! Was able to fix it on the side of the road but put me in a sullen mood. Lost a piece for the rear brake and had to fab up a pretty solid repair w/ some zip ties. Was very unhappy. Spirits lifted as I struck up a long discourse w/ the km381 girl, had my first poutine, and camped alone on the Eastmain River. Made a nice fire and stayed dry. Slept well!
Bless little Marlo and his sleep pad!
Next day I blasted away from the JBR and started to hate that road.
It’s LONG!
As I was leaving, gas pumps were being installed @ km238. The JBR experience is over friends.
Blasted through Matagami, Amos, and am here in Val D’Or.
Harassed the fucking hot reception girl, who enjoyed it w/ her HUGE fucking tits and I fell in love. Kept trying to lure her to my room to no avail. Went and treated myself to some ribs and two huge fucking Molsons.
Harassed the waitress there too.
I’m horny.
Today I check the weather report and decide whether to go East or West…

There is little fanfare upon entering Ontario.
Travel tip: Do not fall off of your Segway on chip sealed Ontarian roads. They’ll tear ya up somethin’ good!

Lets hope Cheney isn’t reading this blog!! ^^^^^

Cobalt ON: Mining museum

Niagara Falls: Second greatest man-made wonder of the world

Alien Megalith in Toronto Ontario:

New York:


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