Tag Archives: lord chesterfield

Profound Disappointment in Microbrew

Stupid Cans

Stupid Cans

The beer I’m drinking right now is black. It’s so dark it’s fucking beautiful. It looks like a painting. I poured it in a mug, otherwise I wouldn’t be able to see it because it comes in a can. It’s from some brewery in upstate New York called Butternuts. The black beer is called “Moo Thunder” and has a picture of a cartoon cow on it. I hate this. The name and the picture make me want to hate this beer.

Moo Thunder is good. It tastes like Guiness. It comes in a 12 pack with 4 other types of beer from the same brewery. Three beers of each style. All of them come in cans with either weird bright colors, goofy names, and/or stupid pictures on them. There is Moo Thunder, Porkslap Pale Ale (orange can with a picture of two cartoon pigs jumping and high-fiving eith other), Snapperhead IPA (yellow can with picture of a green fish wearing a Walkman listening to music), and Heinnieweisse Weissbeir (bright green can).

Microbrews taste weird coming out of a can.

However, you must know that there’s no actual differnce between canned beers and  bottled beers.

There is no difference.

Do a blind taste test and you will find no difference. Do it. Or trust me.

However, if you are not blind, you will always know that your beer came out of a can even if you pour it in a mug. And even through you know that there is no differnce between canned and bottled beer in terms of taste, you trick yourself mentally into believing that the bottled beer tastes better. Although, this is not always the case; as it wouldn’t feel right, to me at least,  drinking PBR out of a bottle and Bud always tastes better to me in a can.

Cans and bottles both have their pros and cons and both can be smashed in different and satisfying ways.

Whatever, I drank all of the beers and I would up getting sick. It’s not Butternuts’ fault that I got sick. I went out and got hammered on a plethora of differnt beers at different bars. Somewhere along the line I drank some bad tap beer and woke up the next morning wanting to die more than usual. My brain was on fire and my mouth felt like a dry toilet.

I started and ended the night drinking the Butternuts sampler, therefore this beer will always be associatied to me with one of the worst hangovers I have ever had. Keep that in mind when reading my review of these beers. And while I had sampled each of the beers a few days before, know that this review has been influenced by the fact that I got violently ill after drinking these beers, although I didn’t really like them that much at that time either. I will try not to let my hangover consciously affect my review.

1. Moo Thunder: The best beer of the lot. This one tastes like Guiness. There is not much of a differnce between the two. It tatsted fresh and I would recommend it for a larf as a Guiness alternative. As mentioned previously, it looks beautiful when you pour it into a mug. It’s totally black. I stared at it in the mug for a while. Nothing special.

2. Porkslap: This beer is terrible and was the worst one of the sampler. It doesn’t taste like a pale ale and can be equated to a Killians. It was gross and I hated it. It had this reddish orangey color and a pukey taste. I can tell what Butternuts was going for in this one and that kind of beer is hard to pull off. Beers like this are made to be sipped for their taste and not slammed for their alcohol. However, I didn’t want to sip this beer because it wasn’t good so I had to slam it to get my monies worth. Plus, I hate the stupid fucking picture of two pigs slapping hands on the can.

3. Snapperhead. I would say this beer was OK. It tasted like an IPA should. It had its own kind of unique taste to it, as many microbrews do, so at the moment I can’t think of anything to compare it to. I wasn’t bowed over by it but would drink it again if it came in its own pack and someone else bought it for me. I think the fact that it was lumped together with all these other beers did it a bit of an injustice.

4. Heinnieweisse: Stupid fucking name. I hate when people try to be cute. As far as Henneweisse’s go, this beer was OK. This was like a Paulaner but heavier. It wasn’t bad. It had that sort of fresh, microbrew taste. I didn’t love it, but I really didn’t like it either. It was a little too flavorful, which sounds like it should be a good thing but at times is not.

Beer and God

Beer is the food of the Gods.

Ben Franklin said that beer is proof that God loves us.

Well, now please remember that although old Ben has his face on the $100 bill, that he was never president. That qualifies him as an asshole in my book.

Well, maybe not, but maybe beer is God.

You don’t know!

But know this: Beer is good. This is a fact.

Take this fact, that beer is good…as a general rule of thumb. General I say, because, some beers are terrible. But general I say, because some beers are divine.

Forget alcoholism and all that jazz. People are going to be people and some people are going to be alcoholics or drug addicts or whatever.

But know that it is an amazing thing to taste God on your lips in the form of beer! Being in the right frame of mind, with the right people, and at the right time, also helps in bringing about the divine experience. Beer is similar in this fashion to LSD. They are in fact synthesized from the same chemical!

All beers have their place in today’s society, even Natural Ice and Bud Light. Please note however, that Bud Light is an awful creation and is in no way representative of a just God. It is because it is and will always be. A certain part of the poplation consumes Bud Light. They can generally be trusted. Generally. Trusted to a degree.

Cheap beer is cheap beer. We’ve all had cheap beer and we all have our reasons and our favorites. There’s nothing wrong with cracking open a PBR or a Bud after working some shitty job all day.

In fact, know that there may be nothing better!

Know that you are human and that you are not alone.

But, know that if you have also cracked open your third eye, you will always know that you are drinking the equivalent of victory gin.

Everyone loves big brother, even the most hardened of the hard, and there may always be the slightest, if even the tiniest bit perceptible, hint of satisfaction in popping the top of a Coors Light.

However!

The food of the Gods exists and is real. Good beer is indicative of the plight of the REAL human, who bucks the norm and creates merely to create! The battle between good and evil rages on, always, in many forms and many dimensions! A line has been drawn in the ethereal sand: the caring thoughtful brewmaster fights tooth and nail against the profit-driven maga company.

Well, whatever.

This can be metaphysical or not. Lets say not.

I love beer and during my travels I will be consuming it in varying quantities. I will be opinining on the beers that I drink.

There is not a single type of beer that I dislike. I appreciate all beers. Therefore, I will not let my analysis be ruddied by my own personal beer preferences and in this way I hope to be a just and thoughtful critic. All beers can be appreciated at varying times and that one perfect beer may not be so perfect if sipped at any other time. But we all have our favorites.

The greatest beer that I ever had was a Polish honey beer called Mi0dowe. I drank this beer at a peirogie bar in Warsaw after backpacking through Eastern Europe in January with Bradrian for two weeks. It was like drinking bubbly alcoholic honey straight out of a bees asshole. Just thinking about it makes me smile and gives me a boner.

Simply divine!

There may never be(e) another beer like it.

Perhaps on a mountaintop in Patagonia?

We shall see…

Henceforth, this site shall be devoted to the consumption and review of all noteworthy beers sipped whilst traveling-ling.

Portrait of the Artist with Miodowe

Miodowe: Warsaw, PL

Miodowe: A Polish Honey Beer described by some as like, “drinking bubbly alcoholic honey straight out of a bees asshole,” this beer was had in a peirogi bar in Old Town Warsaw, PL in January of 2007. Described on its label as non-pasteurized, it appears this beer has its own facebook page under the name: Ciechan Miodowe. Check it out sometime if you dare. You can’t find this shit in the states! Or can you? Let me know if you know where one can get their grubby little paws on it. Beyond Decadence!

Lord Chesterfield Ale

Lord Chesterfield Ale: I am including the aforementioned Ale in this post if only for the description of its taste provided by Gary. Technically it was sipped while traveling as I was at a conference for mentally ill persons far away in the upstate New York hinterlands. While driving to the conference I stopped at a beer place and was intrigued by the fact that this ale was both created by Yeungling and was on-sale. The shopkeep gave this brew a thumbs up for its taste. “Not bad at all,” he said. We drank every last can of the 30-pack, although Gary noted that the taste reminded him of “apples and assholes.”